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It has been about three months since I have posted on here- sorry but life was beyond words- my world came crumbling around me…

Where to start?  August 2011 the news of my mom’s cancer in her liver, kidneys, lungs, spine- WTF…  Seriously she looks fine…  September 2011 we move mom into our house.  We thought that we would be able to help her do some of the things that she had wanted to do~ this wasn’t to be.  Cancer is up her spine and thinking in her brain?  She did go through treatments but nope the treatments didn’t work.  I help her with everything…literally everything.  October 2011 time to get hospice involved, hospital bed, pain medications, I had a bin of medications I had to give her every hour to two hours…She cannot talk anymore…She is silent in her haze of medication and the cancer that is eating her within.  We stood by her side the whole way through…October 14th she passed away…  We all were in the living room with her…Her hand was being held as she took her last breath…her pain ended…

See now maybe you can understand why I did not come and write, what was there to write?  There was no time…it changed each day…it was heartbreaking…I was defeated…

BUT

There was beauty with this because I was the one next to her…holding her hand through each minute (I didn’t want to let go).  I slept in the living room with her…She called me her blessing.

The pain can be unbearable…I miss her each and every second of the day.  She was beauty~ a person we all could strive to be more like. 

Six months is not enough time… 

The cancer is eating you…devouring your insides by its own freewill.  There is nothing strong enough to stop cancer and this evil demon has taken control.  Six months is what they said. Six months is not enough time.

How can a person so giving and caring suddenly be under destructive forces.  I sit next to you and stare at you as you gaze out into the sunlight.  My heart breaks over and over for you and for those of us who have had the chance to have you within their lives. 

I had to tell you that this is the time to start making plans.  This is the time to have your family and friends come and visit.  What a cruel thing to have to say to someone.  What devestation it causes within the soul.  Tears keep flooding me as I think about those words as I said them to you.  Six months is not enough time… 

4 weeks…

The last four weeks have been some form of a manic nightmare.  I have not been able to stop…I must keep moving.

One day I am told you have cancer…all over your insides.

One day I am at the Oncologist with you…you are dieing.

One day I have brought you to radiation…your throwing up.

One day we are back for more scans…your cancer has spread.

The last four week have been some form of a manic nightmare.  I have not been able to stop…I must keep moving.

I try and post something, the words just are not fluent…

I have not stopped for three weeks, four on Tuesday… But I am afraid if I stop I will miss a moment and I am not willing to miss a moment of time I could spend with you.

I watch you every day as your body grows weak, you have become frail right before my eyes but you have that bright smile that draws me near and keeps me watching.

I do not want to see you die but I know that I will.  I know that the day will come and I will be by your side and you will suddenly have to breath and it will be me who is by your  side.

I am not going to leave you…

I am able to maintain, I am able to dissolve the tears that want to come so readily.  I can fight with you but I cannot fight for you.  When you are growing weak I will remain strong but I cannot hold you up.  How long will we do this dance?

Another Day in life…

I picked you up today and brought you to your doctor…What were the words that suddenly scared you and made you want to run?  Bone.  You would think that this single word would just bounce off and not be given another thought.  For you this word made you crumble~ I could see it in your eyes.

I brought you home and we sat across from each other and you broke down…I was right by your side.  Bone…Its in my bones.  I thought I at least had a chance. 

Those words I heard from you tore me in too a million shreds and I suddenly felt insignificant…What could I say?  So I held your hand, I said we will wait and see what the Oncologist says.  We will be okay and it will be okay…

Okay…This my friends means something different for every single person that you hear it from.  At this point and time our okay is merely a fantasy word that is easier to say than FUCKED. 

You sobbed in front of me…I held your hand…

Sitting here is like sitting in a prison waiting for someone to release me from the unknown.

I sat with you as you called your family and told them that you have cancer.  I was there for you just in case you needed someone by your side.  Your family (brothers and sisters) seem to know what to say or what not to say. 

I sat with you as you talked with me, telling me what needs to be done and what you want.  I sat strong and listened.  My heart breaking but I sat strong.  I did this for you.

I find that when I tell someone that you have cancer there really are no words that they can say and there seems to be a lot of silence.  Sometimes they are brave enough to simply say to me that they do not know what to say.  I try and make it better and give a little laugh and tell them yep there really are no words. 

Today I made a website for you with a blog so that those you love and those you know can go on to it and see what the latest is and a place where they can write whatever they want to you or about this cancer.  I then went outside and cried.

I will do what I can, I will be the best that I can be, I will not falter because you are my life, the one that gave me life and your my best friend.  I will be strong and be positive so that you continue to fight.

I love you!  I do not want to spend a moment away from you and when we are apart I cry.  My heart is breaking.